Tragic Tragedy of Pessimist Prime
by Immortal Spark
Summary: Parody of Tranformers: the Movie (1986). Optimus Prime is dying after the battle for autobot city...
Perceptor: I fear the wounds are… fatal.

Arcee: [Gasps]

Daniel: Prime, you CAN'T die!

Optimus: Do not grieve. Soon, I shall be one with The Matrix…

Hot Rod: Prime…

[Optimus opens his chest to reveal the chamber at his very core, containing the Matrix of Leadership: the holiest of Autobot artifacts.]

Optimus: Ironhide… uh. It is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership just as it was passed to…

Springer: -Ahem. Hey, uh Optimus. Ironhide… he isn't here. He was… killed by the Decepticons.

Optimus: Ah, old friend. You fought bravely. I will join you soon. Then, Prowl, I can think of no other…

Springer: Prowl's dead too.

Optimus: son-of-a-[sigh] Then, Ratchet…

Springer: [clears throat]

Optimus: C'mon guys, really? Wheeljack…

Arcee: Him too.

Optimus: Ugh. Format me… Wait. Blaster! He was stationed here at Autobot City.

Perceptor: The last time I saw him he was alive and well…

Optimus: Oh thank you, Primus!

Hot Rod: Where is he now?

Arcee: Nobody's seen him since the battle.

Optimus: What?

Perceptor: I don't know. Maybe he's just out grooving out to some—

Optimus: Jazz!

Perceptor: No… I think it was classic rock.

Optimus: No. Jazz! Where is he?

Magnus: Still on moon base one…

Springer: He'll never make it here in time.

Kup: [holding his phone] hey, I got Bumblebee on the line. He said he's already on his way to be by your side!

Optimus: By the Allspark. I'm not entrusting the Matrix of Leadership to Bumble-brow! Probably hang it from his mirror and trade it for a Frisbee...

Kup: Uh… I have him on speaker, and he just heard you say that…

[pause]

Optimus: I don't care! Hey, Pimblebee, you suck.

Bumblebee: [through static] I know you don't mean that big guy. You're having a bad day, but hang in there. 'ol Bumblebee will be by your side in no time!

Optimus: You can suck my exhaust! Transform and roll into a ditch, bumbleface!

[kup awkwardly clicks to hang up the call]

Optimus: [shudders] Primus, I hate him so much.

Magnus: Prime, I think you need to accept that someone here, now, is worthy to carry the Matrix… I mean you've known some of us, like… Oh I dunno—me—for a long time…

Optimus: No, Magnus. I knew you a long time ago; it's not the same as knowing you for a long time. [sigh] I always thought when this day finally came I would have an old friend by my side. Someone who's fought battles with me. Who's argued with me, and even though they can't see my point of view because they're too stupid—Wait, Grimlock!

Hot Rod: What?

Springer: You're kidding…

Optimus: He must be close by. Please, green-guy, have a look outside.

Springer: I have a name…

Optimus: Please [cough] I don't have much time.

Springer: I'm not going.

Hot Rod: The hell dude?

Arcee: Springer, he's dying!

Springer: He coughed! Um, hello, we're robots! We don't breathe! He's milking it.

Magnus: Just go look outside, wisecrack.

Springer: You wanna know where he is? He's still on the ground after getting the wind knocked out of him by Devastator.

Perceptor: That's impossible.

Springer: Oh. You tell me: he jumped out of an airborne spaceship and Devastator kicked him after he fell from like two thousand feet.

Perceptor: 'got the wind knocked out of him?' After you just said…

Springer: Well… Iunno, then what the pits has he been whining for? Lungs or no, he's gotta have some serious injuries from getting dropkicked by Devastator. Name one Autobot who could just walk that off?

Magnus: Prime. You need to accept that all of your oldest friends aren't here. And you should choose someone to lead after you… [Inhales] eventually, pass away…

Optimus: There must be someone… Hound, Sunstreaker… Did EVERYONE on my shuttle just go camping after I joined the battle. 'Oh we can sit this one out, Optimus will do all the work—oh yeah, Optimus will carry us on his back and defeat all the Decepticons single-handedly.' Well, thanks a lot guys! The bravest leader in Autobot history lies dying and I'm sharing it with the slag'n reserves! The B-team; the night-crew; interns… Well who do I have here?

Magnus: I'm Ultra Magnus. I'm a strong leader and I transform into a big truck.

Optimus: Oh, would you listen to this guy: 'a BIG truck'. You can ride my coattails straight to the pits! Right now, in 1986, hundreds of children are balling their innocent eyes out because they love me, and you're shoehorned in to take my place. Like a goldfish replacing the family dog. Who else we got?

Perceptor: I'm preceptor, I transform into a microscope.

Optimus: [rolls eyes] Oh cruel fate. I miss the days where Autobots turned into something cool.

Perceptor: Hey! I'm just as good a medic as Ratchet was…

Optimus: You tell me how this sounds… 'Autobots, transform and FOCUS!' [breaks into laughter. Perceptor glares downward ashamed] [Optimus coughs] ow, that one hurt.

Springer: Coughing again…

Hot Rod: I'm here for you Optimus.

Optimus: Oh great! Everybody give a big hand to Hot Rod! It's his fault I'm dying in the first place. Good job, thanks for showing up, idiot!

Kup: Prime, you may not remember but I'm Kup. I'm an older Autobot and I've been on more than my fair share of adventures. Like my journey into tungsten caverns of—

Optimus: Holy slag! Are you still talking?

Kup: I was…

Optimus: Listen, when you're on your deathbed, everybody's gunna listen to your boring stories. But right now, stuff your noise-hole and help me find a worthy heir to lead. It's significantly more important than your senile flashbacks.

Blur: erzshartramsnebalefnauerraa…

Optimus: That's what I'm talking about! Take notes, Blur here just gave me his entire resume, service history and pi to the four thousandth digit. That takes a special level of genius.

Blur: greshdaforsemulreniusmsuabayfbakauwuiefnawan…

Optimus: [laughing] I know right? He wouldn't even step outside to find Grimlock! I'm Optimus Flipping Prime and he just shrugged it off like I'm a stupid yellow Volkswagen! Between him and Hot Rod it's no wonder everybody died.

Springer: [Muttering] Great, he's going to give it to Blur… it's like we're playing musical chairs on the short bus, and somebody took out the driver! Let's just take it from him already.

Hot Rod: We can't. He has to join with it first.

Arcee: Huh?

Springer: What?

Magnus: What are you talking about?

Hot Rod: Well, that is The Matrix right? He needs to become one with it or something, and then he has to pass it off to the next leader.

Springer: That's not it at all.

Magnus: He doesn't mean THAT Matrix.

Hot Rod: Wait, there's two now?

Springer: Holy motherboard!

Magnus: Okay, Hot Rod. THE Matrix is some kind of energy field that flows through space. The Matrix of Leadership is a holy artifact that can save everybody's life.

Hot Rod: Isn't that, like Vector Sigma…

Springer: [facing away, throwing his arms up in frustration] I chose the wrong side!

Arcee: I think Vector Sigma brings sparks from the Allspark.

Daniel: Allspark?

Hot Rod: So Vector Sigma is like… the stork?

[Everyone cursing and exclaiming]

Hot Rod: No it's starting to make sense… Vector Sigma brings the new sparks in, and THE Matrix takes them back to the Allspark; just like the stork and the grim reaper. Primus is our Deity and the Matrix of Leadership is our physical item of worship that ties it all together.

Arcee: Like a holy trinity…

Springer: Except not, because that's five. That'd make it a…

Daniel: A Pentagram!?

[Everyone] That can't be right. No way!

Hot Rod: We're supposed to be the good guys! We aren't devil worshippers are we?

Magnus: We are NOT devil worshippers!

Kup: [Takes out phone] Ah, I'm gunna look this all up…

Springer: Hot Rod, you gotta pay more attention in… all the time! Just stop opening your mouth and pay more flipping attention.

Hot Rod: Well soooor—eeeee! We don't talk about our religion very often.

Daniel: Though I gotta say, It's not the craziest one I've heard of.

Kup: Okay, here it is: So the Allspark is 'a physical object that infuses our home planet with energon and the capacity to generate sparks… however the name IS derived from a synonym for THE Matrix: or transformer afterlife… Vector Sigma is a multidimensional computer capable of giving life to Transformers. The Matrix of Leadership is a conduit for the power of Primus, and a means to access the Allspark…

Hot Rod: Which Allspark? You mean that object, or the Matrix?

Springer: Which Matrix? You mean the afterlife, or the object?

Daniel: Which object!? Vector sigma, or the Allspark, uh—or the conduit to Primus?

[Everybody bickering]

Perceptor: Guys… uh, GUYS!

[Everybody stops, looks at Optimus lying with his head back and eyes closed]

Springer: Is he…

[Long pause]

Optimus: [Coughs]

Springer: SERIOUSLY!

Magnus: Perceptor, I think we need to make Optimus Prime a little more… [Nodding at Optimus] _comfortable_.

Perceptor: Oooh. [Reaches into Optimus's wound]

Optimus: [Flinching] Ah!

Perceptor: Everything's okay, we're just making you more comfortable…

Optimus: [Flails wildly] AAAHHH!

Perceptor: [Pulling pieces out from Optimus' abdomen] Oh no, these don't look right at all…

Optimus: HHHHUUUAAAGGGHHHHH!

[Springer, Magnus, and Blur restrain Optimus]

Perceptor: Hey. What's this? [Pulls out a sharp spike of rubble] Huh, must've been from his battle with Megatron. It was stuck right in his plasma cone… [Deer in headlights] Oh…

[Everybody freezes with jaws dropped and eyes wide.]

Optimus: [Sighs] Huh. Wow… [Sits up] I feel pretty good.

Springer: Y'mean after ALL THAT…!?

Magnus: Perceptor!

Perceptor: I-well-er-ah-i-ee-um-umum—I'm sorry!

[Running footsteps approaching outside]

Bumblebee: Optimus! Thank the Allspark your… AHH! [Bumblebee ducks. Optimus fires his gun, narrowly misses Bumblebees head]

Optimus: Don't ever talk through your radio!


End file.
